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The purge…

I wish I didn’t have to write this. I wish I could present scars to the world instead of the open, gushing wounds that I have to offer. I wish that being someone who God has called to help people heal didn’t mean I have to feel the immense pain I encounter.

It’s as if my soul screamed for 18 year old Keisha. It’s as if she were in that room again, that room where she felt dirty and confused. She was in that room alone, alone aside from the one person who decided to soil the one treasure she had left. Driving home I screamed, in a voice I didn’t recognize and from a place I had only previously visited once. Images that I convinced myself were a figment of my imagination flashed as true as 9 years ago when it happened.

But, they didn’t know. Nobody knew. I silenced my sobs so that my pain would not offend, I muffled the sound of my anguish so that it wouldn’t bother anyone and I moved forward. I’ve been healing in layers, and the deeper it goes… the more I feel depleted. There is an indescribable anguish that I felt that day, that day I can barely remember but can never forget. Tonight God told me, they didn’t understand. He didn’t know that he had taken something I fought to keep. This body, this special part of me was all I thought I had left, it was all that made me special. Only now, it wasn’t special. It was worthless. I was worthless. Her, she didn’t know either. She didn’t know that taking him back after would be like puncturing the flesh of a cadaver. The pain wasn’t there, but the damage was.

I wanted to forgive, but what was stopping me? The truth. I didn’t feel they needed to pay, I didn’t truly hate them. It just hurt. All of it just hurt. It hurt more than I know how to process, so I screamed tonight. I screamed for 18 year old Keisha who just wanted to know why. I screamed for the hurt I suppressed so I didn’t bother anybody. I screamed because it was all I could do. I screamed because even though I told God I don’t want to feel it, I don’t want to face it – I had to.

So, no I don’t have scars to show. I have wounds because as God reminded me tonight, I just don’t have the liberty of healing in private. Whoever I wrote this for, whoever this particular truth will set free – I love you.I pray that God will bring you to the point of anguish and desperation where your pain is unbearable. It’s unbearable because He bears it for you. He doesn’t want us to hide our pain, to pretend it doesn’t hurt or to try fix ourselves. He wants us to give it to Him. Tonight I forgive them, I forgive me and I ask you Father, “forgive them for they know not what they do”.

Live a little, love a lot, forgiveness is a blessing.

 

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Faith Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

Letter to the single mom… 

Dear beautiful,

After having my daughter, I felt like I didn’t deserve God’s grace because of what I’d done. My virginity was this treasure I kept; it set me apart and made me special
now it was gone. I felt worthless and finished. 
The open shame of my secret sin and the public evidence of it proved to be burdensome. I was ultimately avoiding love because I didn’t deserve it!

I wasn’t different anymore, I wasn’t special. I assumed God was like man, I assumed I had to earn His love and that failing Him meant He didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t be more wrong! 

This very open shame proved to be a very public blessing. This treasure I gave birth to, is a great part of the reason I sought restoration. 

Fornication is wrong, there’s no excuse for it or pardoning of it by any means. But, if you’re a screw up like me that needs grace, and you desire to be pure and to give God all that’s left of you – do it! You’re not too dirty, you’re not used up, those stretch marks and that C-section scar do not mean a thing to the lover of your soul. 

You don’t have to live your life punishing yourself. Let God restore you, let Him heal those broken places and give your life and the life of the blessing(s) you bore over to Him and watch Him give you beauty for your ashes! 

My journey to wholeness began with 100 Days of Singleness, you can order the book HERE!


Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing! 

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Christian Fashion God Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

Perfect weakness (Keep going)

This morning, I began my drive to church without the energy to minister in dance or the desire. I just felt drained altogether but I decided to honor my commitment to God and do what I had to do.

My prayer on the way to church was a little something like:

“Lord I can’t do this if you don’t show up, I don’t have the energy, I don’t have the strength so I need yours”. 

My prayer was answered. God told me to just worship and I’d be fine. So I did, and I was. After ministry, a visitor came up to me and said “I loved the ministry, keep going”. 

So, to those that may have been feeling drained and weary;  I give the very same advice I received “keep going”. 

Galatians 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing!

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Christian God Healing Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

Remind me who I am Lord!

Hey my love,

You have probably read lots of content on how to be a wife, how to be a great friend but what about how to be… you? One of the main things I learned during my 100 days of singleness journey was who I am.

It is imperative that we are able to clearly articulate and fully understand who we are in Christ before we try to find who we are supposed to marry.

Ask yourself these 3 questions:

  1. Without my job, relationship, family history or physical attributes; who am I?
  2. What is it that I am on the earth to accomplish?
  3. Who am I here to serve and how?

It’s okay if you get stuck, the journey to self discovery is a long one; asking the hard questions is the first step. Believe me, I can relate.

God has such a sense of humor, choosing me of all people to minister to the broken, lost and rejected of this generation.

Truth be told – I still have to remind myself that I am worth sticking around for, worth loving, worth cherishing.

Those moments I think back to twelve year old me waiting for my dad to show up… They remind me how desperately I needed a savior and it wasn’t my dad. I would have liked my dad to grab me and tell me how beautiful and amazing I was, it would have been great to understand that before now.

However, that’s not my reality. This scar, has become my testimony. This memory of a trampled and rejected heart drives me desperately to the presence of God and His presence makes everything okay. His gentle and sometimes urgent reminders of who I am, make my life worth living and my soul rejoice – my dad is cool but I know he can’t do that for me. It’s like, in some strange way, my father taught me that I don’t need his acceptance or his love to be great… I appreciate that.

My method used to be pretending I didn’t feel rejected at all….
which — didn’t work out very well. But God loves and accepts us in a way that overrides everything! His love is all consuming and never leaves! Whew! Do you feel that? Holy Spirit just embraced you to remind you that you’re amazing and deserve to be loved and you are loved  – Jesus thinks you’re to die for! Get it? Okay sorry for that… Here’s a consolation prize:

This song by Jason Gray reminds me when I forget, so I hope it does the same for you!

 

Hope you enjoyed your first tip; there’s 3 more that you are going to love!

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Christian God Healing Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

I was a cheater too…

Most women I’ve encountered can recall various instances of being cheated on and lied to. Okay, I’m no different but what I also like to share aside from my scars are the wounds I’ve inflicted on others. 

Maybe it started with me being cheated on. That doesn’t matter, it didn’t give me the right to become the very thing I protested and argued against. I stopped caring, I literally didn’t care about the men I dated and definitely didn’t give a flying fart about their feelings… 

Ha! Feelings? I was convinced by my experiences that those bastards with penises didn’t have any. Of course, I was wrong. I’m okay with being wrong and I was okay with asking for forgiveness where applicable. 

But… I didn’t share that side right? Our testimonies are much more palatable when we are the victim and not when we are the manipulative, cold, distant and nonchalant Jezebel of the story.   

This may not have been the story in each scenario but it’s as much a show of my salvation as the pain I’ve overcome! So, I cheated too. I lied too. I took “try anything once” a little too far, a few too many times. 

  
So no… I didn’t only recover from pain, but I was rehabilitated from inflicting it on others. We do our testimony no justice when there is no visible contrast between the darkness we came from and the light we were translated into. 

Anywho…

Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing! 

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Christian Clothing Design Faith God Healing History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

Pt. 2 – Swallowing the pills of the past… 

It was a bitter pill to swallow, the inward denial and subsequent suppression of my true feelings numbed me completely. I was not only numbed from feeling pain, but from experiencing anything that was deemed unsafe – that included receiving love that in my adolescent estimation; I did not deserve. 

After there was nowhere to hide that I was self medicating the pain, life would soon hand me an even bigger pill to swallow – one that lent a bitter backstory of its own. This pill would be equipped with a villian that was simultaneously a savior in my eyes; and a hero that for years – had been the villian of my imagination. 

Pills and potions, the opened up a door I soon learned; would leave me addicted to the high of a soul made numb for years to come.

You’ll see what happens next in part 3…. 

Photo credit:123rf.com

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Christian Faith God God Healing health History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Swallowing the pills of the past…

God reprimanded me like only He can about he content I’ve shared on here. For something entitled “memoirs of Keisha” there was very little insight into my history so here goes!

A great deal of my childhood is blurred, based on my subconscious coping method of forgetting what hurt.

During my healing process, God forced me to face some truths. 

  1. My self loathing didn’t begin with the habitual cheating of my first real boyfriend.
  2. Despite my ability to help others, I was drowning in depression since childhood.
  3. I had no idea who I was and I spent my life allowing everyone else to tell me who I ought to be. 

So, here goes nothing. When I was 11, I hated everything around me. I was briefly separated from my mother and felt abandoned, I was sad but instead of talking I decided I would forget once and for all. My adolescence included great battles with suicide and failed attempts that made me feel like… You guessed it, a failure! I mean, I couldn’t even die right.

The world I pictured without me was better off. I would do everyone a favor and just disappear. I began self medicating, I stole my uncle’s pain medication and took a few – it left me in a daze for days (that rhymed) – but someone noticed. My aunt called me in and asked about the pills, my world crumbled, not only did I fail at dying – I had to now share the embarrassment with my aunt who was aware of my shortcomings.

I was sad, I had hurt I couldn’t explain so I pretended it didn’t exist. But – I couldn’t be sad, they would be disappointed… 

I wanted love, I just didn’t know where to find it, I didn’t know what it looked like.

Photo credit: rebloggy.com

To be continued… 

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Christian Faith Healing Inspiration Personal Experiences Spiritual healing Uncategorized

The stupid church…

“His watchmen are blind, They are all ignorant; They are all dumb dogs, They cannot bark; Sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.”‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭56:10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I listened to a teaching at a prayer congress today.

It made my heart repentant and sorrowful for my part in the laziness and complacent nature of today’s church. 

Holy Spirit revealed to me just how we are blind, deaf and dumb. These shortcomings all stem from a lack of fervent and effectual prayer that makes access to God’s voice available to us. 

We are deaf, so out of tune with what the voice of God is saying because the white noise of life has undoubtedly distracted us.

We are dumb and unable to declare the sound of heaven into the earth because we can only reproduce the nature of what we deposit. As in the natural, we can’t plant figs and expect pomegranates. So, in the spirit – whatever seed we plant; that also will we reap! 

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.”  ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:7-8‬ ‭NKJV‬

If being deaf and dumb were not enough, we are also blind! The enemy has managed to dismantle all of our essential channels….

Being blind – lack of vision. 

We lack vision for a number of reasons; counterfeit ministries and doctrines have been formed and widely accepted because there has been no seeking, no desperate and urgent pursuing of God’s presence. 

We preach on the enemy “creeping in” to our churches. This hasn’t been the case. Someone that creeps or sneaks in must first be at risk of being detected or fear some direct consequence of being discovered.

Satan isn’t creeping! He is roaming to and fro – openly and with great effort! 

How long will we be a stupid church? How long until we seek God for real? How long until we quit despising an hour in prayer but welcoming 2 hour movies? 

How long until we actually do the seeking in order to find? 

How long until we actually knock on the door of breakthrough so it can be opened to us? 

How long will we be as dogs that cannot even bark, therefore rendering ourselves ineffective gatekeepers? A dog that cannot bark – cannot alert those he’s protecting of impending danger or trespassers. 

Let’s repent:

Dear Lord, God of our salvation and deliverance. We have failed you, turn our hearts to your desires rather than our agenda and humble our hearts into a posture of worship and prayer. May we pray earnestly with all urgency, and may we marry our requests with faith. For we know that without faith it is impossible to please you. In Jesus name, amen

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Frightening fantasy…

My fantasies have taken a frightful turn. They’re not even about me anymore. 

My utmost desire is to witness the healing power of God move. My immense and passionate hope is that the power of God be revealed in its fullness and that I am both a witness and a channel of His glory. 

It’s frightful to think that this miraculous and all powerful God considers a wretch like me in His plans… 

But it’s beautifully frightening, like the thrill of being on a swing set and going just a little higher than you anticipated and feeling the little tingle.

Whatever God has created me to be, that I am for His pleasure. 

Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing! 

– ShaKeisha M – 

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Don’t call him my stepdad….

Many complications have risen from me saying “my daddy” and having to specify… But I could never get behind calling the man who raised me and loved me and sacrificed for me – my stepdad. 

Yes, some say a step dad steps in but mine didn’t. He came running to my rescue, running to love me and to bring me flinstones vitamins and McDonald’s. He came running to stick around for me when things got rough. He came running to be my hero, before I ever recognized him as such. He came running when I was in trouble and my mother was ready to shut things down. He came running because I was his princess, to him – I’m too smart to make mistakes. In his eyes I’m too good of a girl to do anything wrong.:. And though his perception is one I have seldom lived up to, I now see how valuable he is. 

He loved me so well, nobody ever questioned whether he was my real dad. He loves me, to this day with everything he has and I never feel like my thank you is enough. I don’t feel like my “I love you daddy” adequately states what my soul really means when I say it.

Thank you for accepting me.

Thank you for choosing to love me.

Thank you for making sacrifices for me, those I know about and those I don’t. 

Thanks for being there whether I had a lizard that scared me or a little girl growing in my belly that did. 

Thank you; not for stepping in but for running to my rescue. 

Thank you for being my hero.

I love you daddy!